Laughter, Tears & Irrational Fears

Blog Verification...

2011-07-24T19:02:00.002-05:00

{EAV_BLOG_VER:16d7537f81551adc}

WE HAVE MOVED!!!

2011-06-10T13:34:00.002-05:00

Just a post to let you all know that I have moved this blog over to Posterous! Follow me now at:

http://jakewobegon.posterous.com

Also check out my Tumblr blog at:

http://jakewobegon.tumblr.com

I'll keep this blog in case someone stumbles upon it and comments, but would love to see you over at the new site. I'm thinking I may want to start writing again... ;)

WE HAVE MOVED!!!

2011-06-10T13:33:00.000-05:00

Would you rather get up early or sleep late?

2011-01-22T16:57:00.005-06:00

If it's early, then that means I've been up REALLY late.

Ask me anything

What's your favorite season of the year?

2011-01-22T16:57:00.003-06:00

No question here. I LOVE Spring!

Ask me anything

Who's the smartest person you know?

2011-01-22T16:57:00.001-06:00

My wife. ;-]

Ask me anything

If you could go back in time 10 years and tell your younger self something, what would it be?

2011-01-22T16:56:00.001-06:00

Savor this time in your life.

Ask me anything

What's your favorite city?

2011-01-22T16:55:00.001-06:00

Love so many, but I really miss Vail, CO.

Ask me anything

Empathy Overload

2011-01-12T23:31:00.000-06:00

Been planning to write a couple different posts, but life seems to be getting in the way. One of the things about being a "Feeler" with anxiety & depression is that I tend to take on the hurts and pains of the people around me. This is NOT a good or healthy thing.

I've already been trying to work through a tangle of emotions (including the flooding in Australia) that seemed to hit me between Christmas & New Years, and then, this weekend, we have the shooting in Tucson, AZ.

The last time an event impacted me like this was Columbine. I remember that Sara & I were in the neighborhood of Columbine High School just 2 days before the event. Seeing all of this happen hit me in such a personal way. Things like this don't happen in neighborhoods this...wholesome. It shook my world.

Now, we have the mass shooting at the Safeway grocery store where Gabrielle Giffords decided to have a meeting with her community. Gabrielle is 40. I'm 40. I went to UofA in Tuscon for a semester, and the thought went through my head that Gabrielle & I could have easily been in the same Sociology 101 class back in college. Now, I don't know that Rep Giffords attended UofA, but that doesn't really matter because I know there were classmates who still live in Tucson & have been personally impacted by the tragedy and loss in the wake of the shooting. If I stop to think about 9-year-old Christina Taylor Greene, born on 9/11/01, I simply burst into tears.

All of it has hit me so hard that I have trouble even doing basic functions to care for myself. I've gone into Empathy Overload. I've, once again, taken on the pain of the world, and it is simply too much. More to the point, it isn't my right to take the pain of another. That is a role reserved for our Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ. It's not my burden to carry, but I find it so difficult to let go.

Because of this, I'm creating some boundaries for myself. I need to take time to avoid environments of anger and hatred. Right now, I'm not lucid enough to go into these communities and simply share the Love & Gospel of Christ, and that breaks my heart because that seems to be the only thing I'm good at doing. But the longer I postpone the Healing I need to experience, the longer it will be before I can be the Ambassador of Christ that I have been called to be.

My Life Verse

2010-11-16T13:11:00.005-06:00

For I live in eager expectation and hope that I will never do anything that causes me shame, but that I will always be bold for Christ, as I have been in the past, and that my life will always honor Christ, whether I live or I die. For to me, living is for Christ, and dying is even better. Yet if I live, that means fruitful service for Christ. I really don't know which is better. I'm torn between two desires: Sometimes I want to live, and sometimes I long to go and be with Christ. That would be far better for me, but it is better for you that I live. - Philippians 1:20-24 (NLT)

What I find fascinating about this is that Paul longs for death in this world to be with Christ which mirrors my desires in a poignant way. Yet his desire for this is not sin...it is simply the truth; and while he longs to go and be with Christ, he is willing to remain to continue Christ's work upon this earth. Also, while he was personally longing for the reward of Heaven, this was written during his first imprisonment in Rome. He did not realize that he would eventually be released, have many further encounters with people to share the Gospel, and be imprisoned once more. His desire to go to Heaven was not sinful because he was willing to be patient and obedient to Christ to wait.

Three times God has spoken to me, and all three times, He has used one word. Yet within each word contained a full, rich story & instructions for me. The three words were:

WAIT
GO
REST

Photo by Jon Sheppard. Used with permission.

Twelve years ago, I went to the mountaintops with the full intention of not returning. It was a difficult time in my life, and I simply wanted to be done with it all and enter into the Presence of Christ. When I reached my destination and made camp, a thunderstorm entered the mountain bowl, and I was suddenly surrounded by lightning. Those of you who've been in the mountains understand how intense this can be. For those of you who can't, check out Journey to the Center of the Earth with Brendan Frasier. The lightning storm in that movie that forces them to flee into the cave for safety was really not far-fetched in terms of just how intense it can be.

So, here I was, in the mountains, wanting to leave my mortal shell, and I became surrounded by lightning. My guilt over my desire left, and I was at peace with the idea that I would die but not by my own hand. I was filled with enough peace (and exhaustion from the hike) that I actually fell asleep in the midst of the storm.

When I woke and realized that I wasn't taken, I was upset. I asked God why He didn't choose to take me when He had the perfect opportunity. His answer was: WAIT! This one word was filled with encouragement, instruction, purpose, and peace.

The day would come when I would receive the reward of Heaven, but I needed to be patient.
I was willing to die for Christ; I needed to be willing to live for Christ.
I came up to the mountain with the intention of giving my life to Christ, and that is exactly what happened, but not in the way I had planned. Instead, because my life had been spared & because of my relationship with Christ, every day belonged to Him.
God has the ability to remove me from this world at any moment He wishes. Because I am here, my time here has purpose.
My purpose for every day I am on this earth is to love my Lord, love others, and make disciples.

So within this passage of Scripture, I once again find the words already spoken for something that is crying out in my heart. My life is to honor Christ in every way, and when the day comes when I am allowed into Heaven, it will be cause for celebration for I will receive the reward for which I have waited for so long because my work here is finished.

Time for a New Post

2010-11-13T15:33:00.000-06:00

Sorry for the delay, my friends. I have to admit that it has been a rough patch. Maybe it's antibiotics, maybe it's the change in seasons, and maybe it's just because. All I know is that even the days when I didn't have the mental strength to get out of bed, God was with me. His Faithfulness & Love are powerful things, and I'm so thankful for a Lord Who chooses to hold on to me when I have no strength to hold my own grip.

Quote

2010-09-07T12:53:00.000-05:00

"I'm rightly tired of the pain I hear and feel, boss. I'm tired of bein on the road, lonely as a robin in the rain. Not never havin no buddy to go on with or tell me where we's comin from or goin' to or why. I'm tired of people bein ugly to each other. It feels like pieces of glass in my head. I'm tired of all the times I've wanted to help and couldn't." I'm tired of bein in the dark. Mostly it's the pain. There's too much. If I could end it, I would. But I cain't." - John Coffey

- Stephen King (The Green Mile)

And Now, I'm Going To Give The Floor To...

2010-08-29T12:02:00.001-05:00

A good way to gain insight into a person is to see what that person quotes. Here's some insight into me:

• "Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier." - Blore's Razor

• "Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity." - Hanlon's Razor
• "It is easier to get forgiveness than permission." - Stuart's Law of Retroaction
• "When you have to shoot, shoot. Don't talk." - Tuco's Rule
• "Write a wise saying and your name will live forever." - Anonymous
• "Why do bad things happen to good people? Because it's funnier that way." - Anonymous
• "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." - Douglas Adams
• "Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job." - Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001), The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
• "He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which." - Douglas Adams
• "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou
• "Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square hole. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them,glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do." - Apple Computer Inc.
• "Live to the point of tears." - Albert Camus
• "Nobody realizes that some people expend a tremendous amount of energy merely to be normal." - Albert Camus
• "The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter." - Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
• "Equations are the devil's sentences." - Stephen Colbert
• "In prosperity our friends know us; in adversity we know our friends." - John Churton Collins
• "It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
• "Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence." - Albert Einstein
• "If there's one thing I know it's God does love a good joke." - Hugh Elliott
• "It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
• "I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people." - Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts)
• "Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid." - Heinrich Heine
• "The world is a mess and I just need to rule it." - Dr. Horrible
• "Technology is making us dumber?!?!" - Sara Kern
• "Nobody likes a clown at midnight" - Stephen King
• "[A] tragedy is a tragedy, and at the bottom, all tragedies are stupid. Give me a choice and I'll take A Midsummer Night's Dream over Hamlet every time. Any fool with steady hands and a working set of lungs can build up a house of cards and then blow it down,but it takes a genius to make people laugh." - Stephen King
• "We are born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society." - Judith Martin
• "Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on money and short on mistakes." - Aaron McGruder
• "Don't shave angry." - Kori Miraglia
• "I hate cynicism; it's my least favorite quality, and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen." - Conan O'Brien
• "You must not think me necessarily foolish because I am facetious,nor will I consider you necessarily wise because you are grave." - Sydney Smith
• "Love, peace and bacon grease." - Charlie Stickney
• "I think we'd see a pretty sharp decline in suicides if life was turned into a musical." - Ethan Suplee
• "People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway." - Mother Teresa
• "The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend." - Henry David Thoreau
• "There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)
• "There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president." - Kurt Vonnegut (1922 - 2007), "Cold Turkey", In These Times, May 10, 2004
• "The more loving you are, the more attractive you are." - Rick Warren
• "Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck." - Joss Whedon
• "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles)

David & Roger Together Again

2010-08-17T10:24:00.000-05:00

My favorite band is and always will be Pink Floyd. In the 80s, with the pressure of success & differing visions, David Gilmour & Roger Waters split and maintained a vibrant hatred for one another that lasted decades. They came together in 2005 for a Pink Floyd reunion that was the highlight of Live 8 in London. Then in the middle of July, 2010, in front of a surprised crowd of 200 people, Gilmour & Waters once again reunited to raise £350,000 for the Hoping Foundation which helped young Palestinian refugees. As the Bible says, "Love covers a multitude of sins." It is amazing what we can accomplish when we learn to forgive and to love. Enjoy the video.

Hoping Foundation benefit performance from Hoping Foundation on Vimeo.

The Power of "Why," Part I

2010-08-16T11:54:00.003-05:00

"We are born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society." - Judith Martin

For those of you who have seen previous posts, you know life has not been "easy" lately. For those of you just joining us, let me tell you, life hasn't been "easy" lately. In fact, there have been a lot of moments of pain in my life, and many more in the lives of the people I love. I'm not going into details, but I will say that there have been moments that have left me dumbfounded & speechless.

When this stuff happens, I tend to talk to people & especially talk to myself to try to rationalize what is happening. "Well, we live in a fallen world, and bad things happen because there are consequences to sin, and sometimes those consequences are payed by people other than the person who commits the sin, and it's all really nasty, but it isn't God's fault, and if we should be placing blame on anyone, we should place it on ourselves because of Free Will & also place the blame on the world & the devil, and God doesn't cause these things to happen, but He never wastes a hurt, and we have no idea of what the Big Picture is, and we have no idea how God will use this hurt to draw people close to Him and show them Comfort in their time of sorrow; Besides, who am I to question God?"

The answer is that I have accepted Christ as my Lord & Savior which means I am adopted into the Family of God. I have every right to question God. In fact, I would even say that I have an obligation to question Him.

Sounds a bit pretentious, I know, but it's the truth. I grew up as a Jehovah's Witness, and I was a good kid. In fact, I was one of the best. Teachers would continually heap praises upon me for my intelligence & behavior. However, because I had to continually earn the Love of Jehovah, there were times that even I fell short. It was a miserable life filled with judgment & shame. I finally came to the point where I made the decision that I would rather spend eternity in oblivion than with this "Jehovah," because He was making my life miserable. I doubted. I was broken. I asked, "Why?" and I got no good answer in return. Because of this, I chose to leave the Jehovah's Witnesses. After that experience, I vowed that I would never allow anyone else to do my thinking for me.

Several years later, through experiences in the past with people who shared the True Gospel & the unconditional Love of Christ combined with current friendships with Christians who were Patient & Loving with me, I accepted Christ as my Savior. It was a long process because I had a ton of questions and so much baggage from my years with the Jehovah's Witnesses. I doubted. I questioned. I tested. What I found was a God who loved me unconditionally, was willing to send His Son to die upon the Cross to pay for my sins, and Resurrected His Son from the Tomb to defeat death, itself. This Infinite God loved me infinitely & intimately, and He wanted to give me a Gift of Salvation. There was nothing I could do to earn this Gift. There was never a way I could repay Him for what He had done. All I could do was simply accept the Gift & all it had to offer.

If I had not doubted; if I had not questioned; if I was not willing to ask, "Why?" about the difficult things, I'd still be a Jehovah's Witness & still be one of the nicest hell-bound people you would have ever met.

So many of us are scared to death of our Lord. We have all of this religious baggage that keeps us from ever wanting to "draw His attention" and "suffer from His Wrath" for ever "daring to question Him." In the Book of Job, Job asks God, "Why?" God's response seems pretty harsh: "Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell Me, if you have understanding." - Job 38:4 But then God goes on in the last chapter of Job to accredit Job's willingness to question Him as righteousness. In fact, God was so pleased with Job's willingness to approach Him that He saved Job's friends as well.

So many of the Psalms ask the question, "Why?" A lot of times, no answer is given in return; we simply have the question to God. Even Jesus, who was without sin cried out, "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?" - Matthew 27:46b

This is Jesus we are talking about!!! The Son of God; The Word made flesh; The Alpha & the Omega. Jesus, in His moment of pain, humiliation, abandonment, and sorrow cried out to God, "Why?!"

I believe that in the process of life shaping us to be appropriate in order to fit into society, we lose too many good child-like qualities...qualities like wonder, trust, and the willingness to appear foolish. I truly believe that when we are filled with sorrow & ready to burst, we need to let go of that pride that keeps us from giving all of ourselves to God. We need to be willing to pitch a fit, throw a tantrum, pound our hands & feet into the floor, sit in our Father's lap & sob to the point of exhaustion when we finally have gotten these hurts out and calmed so that God can hold us and give us Comfort & Peace.

I believe there is no more powerful prayer than when we look to the Heavens with tears in our eyes and sorrow in our hearts and simply ask God, "Why?"

2010-07-26T23:47:00.002-05:00

Back in the Saddle Again

2010-07-26T15:59:00.010-05:00

Let's give this another go, shall we?

Back in February, I decided I would try to post again after an absence from the blog scene following my dad's death in September, 09. When I looked at my blog, some (expletive deleted) had gone and hacked my account. I was LIVID! I copied the postings & deleted the blog. Several months later, I tried to start blogging again, but this time I decided to use Tumblr. I kept trying to add all my old posts, but it took FOREVER to load. Today, I said "(expletive deleted) it!" My blog, Laughter, Tears & Irrational Fears, is back and in business on http://jakewobegon.blogspot.com/. It only took about 2 hours to get everything reorganized.

I've got a lot I've been wanting to say over the past year or so, and it's time to do it. So many heartbreaks & joys & stories with laughter, miracles, sorrow...you name it. I'm looking forward to dusting the writing cobwebs from my mind and am excited & hopeful that you would join me.

Blessings to you all.

Under Construction

2010-07-26T14:31:00.002-05:00

In Minnesota, we say we have four seasons: cold; really cold; oh my goodness it's cold; and, road construction. In the spirit of this, I ask that you bear with me as I attempt to recreate my blog from blogger.com which was hacked. Thank you for your patience, and remember...wait...what was I going to say?...

Makes Sense to Me

2010-05-30T16:22:00.004-05:00

Well, This Sucks....

2010-02-13T12:25:00.000-06:00

Someone has been spamming my account. I changed my password & it's still happening. It's been fun, but I gotta shut her down. Love to all of you.

Fine, Pt. 2

2009-10-18T19:34:00.000-05:00

Just an updated answer to the question of, "How you doing?"

OK, do you want the typical, socially appropriate answer of "fine"; the overly spiritual answer involving a bad metaphor and ending in "but it's all good" as in, "God is my canteen in a desert of sorrow, but it's all good"; or the truth? It's my blog, so here's the truth:

When I was in AZ dealing with everything happening, it seemed like God had given me a Supernatural strength and hedge of protection. It's funny how it takes about 3 weeks for that to fade, for reality to really set in, and for the rest of the world to have moved on. I've also been under the weather which with the current swine flu scare has forced me to cancel my appointments with my therapist. So, I'm sad & weepy to the point of having a psychological relapse. (Oh, yeah, for those of you just entering the story, I had a nervous breakdown a few years ago.) I'm really worried about my mom, and she's one of the main reasons I can't afford a relapse (not including the havoc it would cause in my own life). Sara's been tumbling about in the middle of all of this with me, so even though she tries her best, she's really hurting as well. I'm also hurt by the very noticeable absence of certain local friends. Fortunately, our church has been a tremendous support, but being sick has forced me to stay away from large gatherings of people in general. I've found myself turning online for support & am thankful for some wonderful support there, but I'm really noticing the problems I was dealing with when I canceled my FB account before all this happened have been returning full-force. My plan is to quietly fade away this time & leave the account open & active but just limit my time online drastically. Writing has proved to be cathartic for me & I plan on pursuing that further. Also, God has still been present & all that's been holding me together; I just haven't had those emotional highs to go with it. God is the duct-tape for my beat-up car of life, but it's all good. :)

How I Am Beating Depression and Anxiety

2009-10-02T11:54:00.010-05:00

About 4 or 5 months ago, I had a pretty significant breakthrough in my therapy. It was a moment where the idea that I am the Christ Creation inside of me who CONTENDS with the Flesh (instead of the other way around) finally went from my head to my heart. I had progressively been getting better and better by significant strides. As one friend said at one point, "I've seen you more in the past 2 weeks than in the past 2 years." It came just in time, too, because if not for this breakthrough and the tools my therapist had given to me to deal with life, I would not have made it through the 3 weeks I spent in Arizona when my dad passed, and I especially would have suffered a relapse within the past 3 weeks as the reality of the situation hit me while the rest of the world was moving on.

Here's the secret: The Bible

Yep, the secret is the Book that has been the bestselling Book for all time. Funny how things can hide so well right under your nose. However, it's important to know how to USE the Bible. It's not some magic totem that can be placed on your coffee table to ward off evil spirits. It needs to be read, studied, journaled, meditated upon, prayed through, and read again and often! This is the only way that the Bible will become engraved upon your heart, and that is the important part of how I use the Bible to deal with my depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, histrionics, pain, sorrow, stumbling blocks, temptations, Spiritual attacks, the World, and the Flesh. The Gospels specifically state that when Jesus was lead into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil, He confronted each temptation by speaking Scripture out loud at the temptation.

Did you get that? He spoke the Scripture. He didn't just think about the Scripture, but He actually quoted it out loud. I'm now doing the same thing, and it's making all the difference in the world in my life. Also, my therapist has shown me the importance of speaking the Scripture in a very personal way and with authority.

So, let's say that I'm feeling as though my life is spinning out of control, and what I really need is the Peace of the Lord, I'll use a verse such as Psalms 29:11 - "The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace." The way that I will use it is to say out loud, "Get behind me, spirit of turmoil, for it is written that the LORD gives strength to me; the LORD blesses me with peace." And when I speak, I do so loudly and with confidence and authority.

I share this because this is what has worked for me. It has made a significant difference in my quality of life. I'm able to go the homes of friends for dinner. I'm able to leave for a weekend getaway and try new things like sailing which I absolutely fell in love with! Thank you, Jenn Macainag! It has helped me experience Joy! And then when forced to face one of the toughest periods in my life when I was with my family in my dad's final days on earth, it held me together. I cannot express how important this was. It wasn't just a sake of being available for my mom and dad...it came down to knowing I wouldn't have a relapse and become an additional burden.

My therapist has given me a couple of books to help give me an arsenal to use: GOD'S PROMISES for every day and The Bondage Breaker by Neil Anderson. One section in The Bondage Breaker is a list of "I Am"s which has been a particular help. A lot of people have asked for copies, so I'll reprint the list and hope that Neil and his publisher understand.

If you have any questions, comments, or prayer requests, please don't hesitate to send me a message!

Through Christ I AM

ACCEPTED:
I am God’s child - John 1:12
I am Christ’s friend - John 15:15
I have been justified - Romans 5:1
I am united with the Lord and am one with Him in spirit - 1 Corinthians 6:17
I have been bought with a price—I belong to God - 1 Corinthians 6:20
I am a member of Christ’s body - 1 Corinthians 12:27
I am a saint - Ephesians 1:1
I have been adopted as God’s child - Ephesians 1:5
I have direct access to God through the Holy Spirit - Ephesians 2:18
I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins - Colossians 1:14
I am complete in Christ - Colossians 2:10

SECURE:

I am free from condemnation - Romans 8:1,2
I am assured that all things work together for good - Romans 8:28
I am free from any condemning charges against me - Romans 8:31-34
I cannot be separated from the love of God - Romans 8:35-39
I have been established, anointed, and sealed by God - 2 Corinthians 1:21,22
I am hidden with Christ in God - Colossians 3:3
I am confident God will perfect the good work that He has begun in me - Philippians 1:6
I am a citizen of heaven - Philippians 3:20
I haven't been given a spirit of fear but of power, love & a sound mind - 2 Timothy 1:7
I can find grace and mercy in time of need - Hebrews 4:16
I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me - 1 John 5:8

SIGNIFICANT:

I am the salt and light of the earth - Matthew 5:13
I am a branch of the true vine, a channel of His life - John 15:1,5
I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit - John 15:16
I am a personal witness of Christ’s - Acts 1:8
I am God’s temple - 1 Corinthians 3:16
I am a minister of reconciliation - 2 Corinthians 5:17-20
I am God’s coworker - 2 Corinthians 6:1
I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realm - Ephesians 2:6
I am God’s workmanship - Ephesians 2:10
I may approach God with freedom and confidence - Ephesians 3:12
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - Philippians 4:13
I am the salt and light of the earth - Matthew 5:13
I am a branch of the true vine, a channel of His life - John 15:1,5
I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit - John 15:16
I am a personal witness of Christ’s - Acts 1:8
I am God’s temple - 1 Corinthians 3:16
I am a minister of reconciliation - 2 Corinthians 5:17-20
I am God’s coworker - 2 Corinthians 6:1
I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realm - Ephesians 2:6
I am God’s workmanship - Ephesians 2:10
I may approach God with freedom and confidence - Ephesians 3:12
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - Philippians 4:13

The Laborious Labor Day Weekend

2009-09-28T09:52:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the extended absence. September has been a rough month with so much in it that it overflowed into August and now October. This post is pretty much to relay everything that has happened, and I'm hoping a future post will be able to go into more details on reflections and impressions from that time.

On Sunday, August 23rd, I got my first panic attack in a long time. My dad had been in the hospital, and I just had this feeling.... I called him, and he seemed fine, so I went to sleep on edge, but I slept through the night nonetheless. On Monday, I felt an overwhelming urge from the Spirit to write an email to the church my parents had attended when my dad was first diagnosed with cancer. On Tuesday, I got a call from my mom and was told to get down to Arizona as fast as possible.

On Wednesday morning, my dad was to be taken into surgery for a lung biopsy. Because his lungs were in such a bad state, we were told that he would wake on a ventilator at least 3 days following the surgery...if he was to wake at all. So, that morning, we gathered around his bed and had the family talk. It was one of the most difficult moments in my life. He went into surgery, and through a miracle of God, we found ourselves talking with him 3 hours later! All seemed fine, and Nick left on a plane on Saturday, August 29th with the plan being that Sara and I would head home on Tuesday, September 8th.

That being said, we got a call from the doctors on the day after Nick flew home saying to get to the hospital because my dad was quite possibly going to be intubated, and this would be our last chance to say goodbye if he didn't recover. Well, recover, he did, and he was able to stay on a face-mask for oxygen and eventually be put back on just the nasal oxygen.

I started to spend nights with him so my mom would go home and get rest. In fact, on Monday night, we sat in his room and watched football together. Tuesday morning, I got back to the homestead and found a reply email from the church! It said that since my parents had been members, the church had gone through a massive leadership upheaval, and it took them a while to verify that my parents were members at that time because none of the current Elders or Staff knew them. I wept when I saw this email and sent a reply thanking them for making themselves available. As soon as I hit the send button, I got a call from my mom saying that the doctors were intubating my dad and that she wanted to be able to speak with a minister. I immediately sent another email to the church explaining the situation, and then I called our good friend and former pastor, Charlie Cummings, and asked him if he would call my mom. He did, and she said it really helped.

Meanwhile, we were stranded out at the homestead, so I called my Aunt Phyliss and asked if she could pick us up and take us to the hospital. She switched around her schedule, drove 1/2 hour to pick us up, and then drove 45 minutes to the hospital. Sara, my aunt & I arrived on my dad's floor at exactly the same time that 2 Elders from the church had arrived! By then, my dad had already been intubated, so the Elders anointed him with oil and prayed over him. The doctors kicked us out of the room so they could perform another procedure on my dad, so the 6 of us (the 2 Elders, my mom, my aunt, Sara & me) went into a waiting room and took communion together and prayed. The Elders began to minister to us, but especially my mom, and they began by begging her forgiveness for not having been there for them before this moment. We went back into my dad's room and prayed for him again, and then the Elders left. Yes, another miracle!

Unfortunately, within a couple days, my dad had maxed the ventilator he was on, so they needed to switch him to an oscillating ventilator which is quite new in the field of medicine. Because my dad's lungs had become so brittle, this machine would blow between 200 to 250 tiny puffs of oxygen per minute into him. The body naturally wants to resist this, so they had to paralyze him and deeply sedate him. We were told that this was a last-ditch effort to keep him alive and that now would be the time to call family to have them start coming into town.

Within several hours, my dad had maxed the oscillating ventilator as well, and it was apparent that the fight was over. I called the Elders and left a message. They had an Elder meeting scheduled for that time, so they canceled the meeting, and we found 4 Elders in my dad's room with my mom, Sara & me. We sent my dad off with hymns and prayers, and then my mom asked to be alone with my dad as they put him back on the regular ventilator and removed life support. So, on the morning of Friday, September 4th, my dad left the body that had dealt with so much frailty and pain for the past 3 years and entered into Heaven. Sara and I returned to the room with 2 of the Elders, and after the nurses had removed the tubes and wires and cleaned him, we entered. The nurses were crying, we were sobbing, and the Elders were holding us through it all.

On Wednesday, September 9th, surrounded by family and friends, Charlie Cummings lead the memorial service for my dad. I provided the introduction, giving a brief overview of who my dad was and what he meant to me, and then I made it clear that even though we were dealing with our own sadness and feelings of loss that this was a time of celebration to honor my dad and give glory to Christ. Chip Aker, the Elder on Staff for the church lead with the opening prayer. A wonderful woman from the church named Olivia sang my dad's favorite song, "You'll Never Walk Alone." Sara and my sister-in-law, Michelle, read Scripture. Charlie gave an amazing message that so eloquently presented the Gospel and the Hope of the Resurrection which was why the memorial service was a celebration. My Uncle Jon then reflected on my dad (I was told that since I was giving the greeting that I couldn't tell any jokes, but my Uncle Jon was given free reign...not fair...) in a humorous, respectful, and emotional way. In doing so, he addressed each of my dad's brothers and said what he had learned from them and finished with what he had learned from my dad. Charlie led the room in a unified reading of Psalm 23. Nick read a paper he had written about my dad back when he was in college...very touching and emotional. A wonderful man from the church named Reigh sang "I Can Only Imagine." Finally, Charlie closed with prayer and a Benediction.

From there was a weeklong whirlwind of the reception, the family get together at my Uncle Tom's house, family and neighbors at my mom's home, flowers, gifts, food, and love...in fact there was an abundance of love throughout the entire process. Sara, who is amazing with details, took care of so many things and helped hold me together. When Michelle came, she helped Sara with those details, and somehow the numerous things that needed to be done were done.

On Saturday, September 12th, Sara and I flew home having been reassured time and again by neighbors and church members that my mom was in good hands. The next day, Sunday, September 13th, would have been my dad's 64th birthday, so we celebrated by going to church and being loved on and hugged by so many people.

The last few weeks have been rough as reality has set in. Fortunately, God is good, and love and miracles abound...too many miracles to list, but I'll give a sampling in a future post. And there are also many other things which Jesus did, which if they were written in detail, I suppose that even the world itself would not contain the books that would be written. - John 21:25.

The Painful Truth

2009-08-14T12:30:00.004-05:00

Today I realized that when someone uses one of the phrases, "no pun intended"; "needless to say"; or "not to be rude..." that they are actually lying 100% of the time. Liar. Liar. Pants. On. FIRE!!!

A fun example of this is an email I received in response to several emails I sent to my entire email list requesting prayer for my dad. After several updates, I received a message that only read:

"not to be rude, but who is this and why am i getting these?"

The email was signed from someone who is a Patient Liaison for Behavioral Health where I see my psychiatrist. Apparently another tragic example of the wrong person in the wrong vocation, I guess. I prayed for her anyways, but I didn't want to.

Prayer Request

2009-08-06T11:22:00.002-05:00

Hey, all. My dad is a leukemia and bone marrow transplant survivor. Time after time, he has beaten unbelievable odds. Well, he beat the odds again, only in not such a good way this time. He's been sick for the past few months, and repeated visits to his local clinic turned up no results. Finally, he got fed up with having no results and returned to see his doctors in the City of Hope in Phoenix, AZ, who got him through his cancer, bone marrow transplant, and subsequent complications. In 2 days, they were able to find out that his Graft vs. Host disease had come back with a vengeance. They put him on various meds and took him off of others and did tests and biopsies and all that fun stuff. They found out that he is still cancer free, but he has developed a case of Epstein Barr Syndrome in his lungs, making him one of 9 people in America with this condition.

Fortunately, his insurance has approved for him to be put on a cutting edge medication for this that will occur in 8 treatments at the cost of $40,000 per treatment! Praise the Lord that this treatment will be able to take care of the situation and will be fully covered by insurance! The treatments will make him VERY sick (he's already really sick) and will take about 6 months to complete. He is now on oxygen. The hope is that he will be able to be off the oxygen in 6 months, but it may be for the rest of his life. This is really tough for him because he has been so physically active his whole life. It's also been really tough on my mom, as well, but her employer has been really good and understanding about letting her take care of him.

So I ask you for your prayers for my dad, Jim, and my mom, Charlie. Also, please place them on any prayer lists you may have access to. Thank you for your friendship and love.

Book Review of Duma Key by Stephen King (read 2/08)

2009-07-26T13:28:00.004-05:00

Book review time! (Yay!) Why a book review? Because reading Duma Key by Stephen King back in Feb, '08, played a significant role in my personal story. Because this book is good even though written by a best-selling secular author. Because I wanted to add a new post but had nothing profound to say, myself.

Who cares why? Read the review or not...it's your decision. So, without further ado, my 5 star review of Duma Key by Stephen King:

Every single page is like a lover touching my cheek...sometimes it's a caress, and sometimes it's a slap...but every page, every word, has a profound impact upon me. I'm in the middle of the book, and I'm terrified to finish it, but I can't stop turning the pages...

...Just finished it. I heard one reviewer state that it was the best book King had ever written. While reviewers have short memories and liberal use of hyperbole, I must admit that this was one of his best he's written. While not epic like The Stand, It, or The Dark Tower, it is powerful, insightful, and terrifying. Also, the fact that the book is not epic is one of its greatest strengths. One of King's self-indulgences in the past couple of decades has been his ability to use 1000 pages to write a 500 page story. Remember that Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption and The Body were both just novellas. In Duma Key, King uses each of the 607 pages with power and efficiency.

Another of King's self-indulgences has been his treatment of Bryan Smith, the man who hit him during his walk and nearly killed him. That same man died a year later from a prescription drug overdose. I remember being especially uncomfortable of King's incorporation and depiction of the accident as a key element in one of his stories. (I HATE spoilers, so either you know what I'm talking about or you don't.) It got to the point where I really started to dislike the man, Stephen King. I mean, c'mon, let the dead rest.

But in this book, King delves into the aftermath of being broken and how being broken made him act and say things that simply were not of his character. Noticeably in this story, King only refers to the crane that causes the accident that crushes Edgar Freemantle and sets everything in motion, and he never once speaks of the driver. Later in the story as Edgar tests his newfound talents, the test results in the death of a child molester. Now, while the bastard certainly had it coming to him, Edgar is overwhelmed with a sense of power, horror, fear, and guilt. In this narrative, I believe that King is trying to work through the aftermath of his own brokenness and how it changed him, most noticeably in his treatment of Bryan Smith. And an interesting thing happened...I found that I had forgiven King's spite and nastiness during this period of pain and healing.

Finally, King puts to words so well what it is like to be broken...what it's like to not be yourself and be the monster and victim at the same time...and what it's like to look back on the wake of relationships that will never be the same again. Having gone through this myself (and I'm not out of the woods yet) I found myself weeping in sections where King's script perfectly put to words the hopelessness, frustration, and loneliness of a broken person. In this book, I found a bit of my own healing realizing that I'm not the only one to have dealt with this and coming to terms with the fact that it's not my fault.

Was this Stephen King's best book? I honestly don't have an answer. All I know is that it has had a bigger impact on me than any other work of fiction I've ever experienced.

Agappiness

2009-07-18T12:17:00.006-05:00

I was listening to a talk a few weeks back about happiness on TED.com (a site you need to check out!) The talk included different terms for happiness and their nuances. Specifically mentioned was the fact that we have 6 different terms meaning the happiness derived from someone else's misfortune, but we have no word to imply the happiness derived from another person's happiness. I resolved to correct this grievous omission. For the term, I combined "Happiness" with "Agape." Agape (Ah GAH Pay) is a Greek term for love that implies a perfect, Godlike love. Agape + Happiness = Agappiness. This is seriously an idea that deserves to be spread around the world. Hmm...kinda like the Gospel....

Agappiness

Definitely a word that needs to be used and used often!

I Am Not My Flesh

2009-07-01T13:45:00.004-05:00

This was a comment I left on Sami's blog, but I stole it back for my blog because I feel like it is such a good follow-up to my previous post:

I'm really struggling with seeing my Flesh as my identity and not something that is not a part of me. My identity is the one Christ has crafted inside of me. I've been talking with my therapist a LOT about this, and it's only when I can get my mind around the fact that I am the Christ creation inside of me, and I CONTEND with the Flesh, the World, and the Principalities that I am able to experience ANY of the Fruit of the Spirit.

I've been feeling sorry for myself a lot lately. Been struggling with temptations of lust, suicide, wrath, envy, gluttony, idolatry...the list goes on and on.

When I'm not reading a section for a particular study, and I'm just turning to the Word to fill me, my Scripture reading for the last while has been almost exclusively Psalms...especially 31 - 46 and 110 - 118. A couple verses that stand out:

I am scorned by all my enemies and despised by my neighbors--even my friends are afraid to come near me.
When they see me on the street, they turn the other way. - Ps 31:11

But that same Psalm ends with this verse:

So be strong and take courage, all you who put your hope in the LORD! - Ps 31:24

Some other verses:

The LORD hears His people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the Brokenhearted, He rescues those who are crushed in spirit. - Ps 34:17, 18

My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be:
I walked among the crowds of worshipers, leading a great procession to the house of God,
singing for joy and giving thanks--it was the sound of a great celebration!
Why am I discouraged? Why so sad?
I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again--my Savior and my God!
Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember Your kindness - Ps 42:4, 5a

Who can be compare with the LORD our God, who is enthroned on high?
Far below Him are the heavens and the earth. He stoops to look,
and He lifts the poor from the dirt and the needy from the garbage dump.
He sets them among princes even the princes of His own people!
He gives the barren woman a home, so that she becomes a happy mother.
Praise the LORD - Ps 113:5-9

As I read the Psalms, I can so readily see that none of what I'm experiencing is new to God. The Psalmist speaks so eloquently what is going on in my heart whether it be doubt, joy, pain, or hope.

The Half-Life of Pity

2009-06-26T15:42:00.002-05:00

"If you have ever given yourself to someone and had your heart broken, you know how God feels. If you have ever given yourself to someone and found yourself waiting for their response, exposed and vulnerable, left hanging in the balance, you know how God feels." - Rob Bell

I've been a lot more careful lately about who I give my heart to (do not cast your pearls before swine) but it's those times when I give my heart to someone who's really cool...and nothing in return that hurt so badly. It has happened a lot with the kids who were in my youth ministry. I love all of them dearly, but in the course of growing up and moving on, they have left me behind. It is only a natural process and in so many cases extremely healthy. It is also so painful to be forgotten by someone who is unforgettable.

This is all part of the stuff I'm dealing with now, and my therapist has really been helping me to only rely on God to return that love at all times. I'll be honest, life's been hard these past several years. One of the things I've discovered is that people tend to act compassionate, but really it's only pity...and pity has a half-life of about 3 to 4 weeks. Then the novelty has worn off, and it's out of sight, out of mind. I've had so many painful experiences of rejection in all of this that I've come to the point where I'm really careful about who I give my heart to. Again, I'm learning to rely solely on God because He is the only one in the end who NEVER fails me and ALWAYS loves.

This is not to say that the people who give pity are bad people...in fact, nothing could be further from the truth. It's just that for most of these people, life happens. They move, they graduate, they get married, they have kids, they have an emergency in their lives, they experience a life-changing situation; this is all part of life and how God created us. Imagine never being able to mentally move on when something tragic happens. Imagine carrying the weight of the pain of ALL of the victims of 9/11, wars, tsunamis, heart attacks, cancer...you name it. It would literally drive you insane. So the fact that Pity has a half-life of about 3 to 4 weeks is a blessing from the Lord.

Another example is a person who has the best of intentions by saying, "I am your friend. Call me ANY TIME! Hold nothing back from me! Tell me how you are really doing! I want to walk side-by-side with you through the best and the worst." You are hurting, vulnerable, and so desperately seeking to not be alone in your struggle that you believe this person without having tested the friendship in a major way. The person did not realize just how low the low points are, and about 3 to 4 weeks later says something to the effect of, "I can't take it. It's too much. I'm sorry, but this relationship has to end." Either that or they suddenly disappear from your life. Those are the most painful rejections I have experienced, and I have become really gunshy about taking someone up on the offer of "call me any time" because when the inevitable fallout occurs, I drop to my lowest point. Dangerously low.

As I said before, I'm learning to rely solely on God to be available all of the time and walk side-by-side with me through the euphoria and the drudge because only God can fill the God-sized hole in me. In relying solely on God, I'm learning to actually love myself for the first time and to see myself the way He sees me. The sin and mire and yuck are not me...they are my Flesh. I'm learning that my identity is the Christ Image of me and that the Flesh is outside of me and thus, something that can be confronted. I'm learning to use Scripture to battle the voices of the Flesh, the World, and the Principalities, and for the first time, I'm truly seeing progress in this area of my life.

God is my refuge, my strength, my stronghold, my shield, my high tower, and to put anyone else in that place is idolatry and can only result in pain and loss.

Rainy Days and Mondays...

2009-04-20T11:22:00.002-05:00

...always bring me down. When is it ever appropriate to say I'm depressed? Bottling it up for years is one of the major reasons I'm in the "bad place" now. Publishing my emotions and feelings on Facebook or even this blog for that matter are just attempts to get attention and sympathy. Or, even worse, I bring someone else down. I know I'm supposed to cast all my cares on the Lord, but there are times when whatever I pray, I still feel like tripe. "Don't be lead by emotions." Great. I agree. But when the emotion becomes so strong that all I can do is dwell on it or curl up in a ball in prayer, what do I do? How does the Fellowship of Believers fit in? I don't want to be a people pleaser anymore, but I don't want to suck the life and energy from those around me either. I'm hurting badly, and in all honesty, I don't know what to do about it.

God, please help me, the worst of sinners. I can't go on like this much longer....

Flat Light

2009-03-25T21:44:00.007-05:00

OK. Lots of stuff in the past 10 days including: healing, euphoria, depression, attack, victory under attack...just wears me out thinking about it. But the last couple days have been different. They haven't been great, but they haven't been horrible, either. And the funny thing is that I find that my prayer life and time in the Word is suffering more than ever. What the heck is up?!

So as I'm processing this, I start thinking about skiing. Maybe it's because some really good friends just got back from a ski/snowboard trip. I get to thinking about all my different adventures on hills, bluffs & mountains, and an interesting analogy came to me: light. We all love beautiful, bright sunny days. The colors just pop, and the mountain is so clearly defined. There's also dark. I've been night skiing, and under the lights of the slope, the details become so easy to see. Or it's a blizzard in which case either: A) POWDER DAY! Who needs details?! Just blaze away; or B) Head for the lodge! Everything seems so clearly defined, and whether it's bad or good, God is so easy to see. But there's one more light condition which just sucks: flat light. You can't see any detail to the hill you are skiing, and you're likely to hit a bump or dip that about knocks your teeth out of your head. There is no definition. There is no detail...just flatness. That's been my life the last couple days.

Revelation 3:15 & 16 reveals that God's not a big fan of this as well. His warning to the Church that is neither hot nor cold is that He will spit them from His mouth. Some translations go so far as to say that He will vomit them out of His mouth. One implies disgust, and the other implies revulsion. As St. Joe will attest from the healing session last week, it's pretty much a combination of the two, and it just is really bad. (Sorry Joe.) How, then, do I live my life when life feels just so...blah.

Well, continuing the skiing analogy, I can't control the light, and there are times on the mountain when everything is just flat. I can whine about it. I can stand in the cold in indecision and get hypothermia. I can fly at breakneck speed (there's a reason it's called "breakneck") down the hill to get out of it and more than likely launch from an unseen ridge or hit a tree. Or I can just carefully make my way down the mountain taking it just one turn at a time.

The last couple days have been nothing but flat light. I don't feel depressed. I don't feel joyful. I don't feel sorrow. I don't feel fear. I don't feel peace. I just plain don't feel, and it's harder than any other time to feel connected to God. But just because life is blah doesn't mean that life stops. Far from it. All I can do is simply and carefully make my way turn by turn, verse by verse, and prayer by prayer. What does God see in this? Obedience. And once again, even though the emotion isn't there, the victory is, and that's enough.

That was quick....

2009-03-22T23:08:00.003-05:00

OK, I've had healing sessions before, and I know that there is a bit of a honeymoon period after...seems like 7-10 days or so usually. So imagine my surprise being driven to my knees by an attack this morning. I should have known the timing would be like this. It had been so long since I had been to a Sunday morning Church service, and that's the last place satan would want me to be.

First, I'm forced awake by my cat at about 4:20 or so who really didn't want to have anything to do with me once I actually got up. I paced nervously around the apartment wondering why I was so anxious. I went back to bed and got up in time for Church. Most times if I can get a little sleep after a panic attack, I'm fine. Not this time. My chest hurt. I had trouble swallowing. My breath was heavy. Thoughts of all kinds RACED through my mind to the point where I could barely think straight. All I knew were 2 things: I did NOT want to go to Church, and I HAD to go to Church.

Praise God that I went. Did I feel like suddenly everything was all better? No. In fact, it feels as though we are at the beginning of a testing period that's potentially going to be brutal. But I can't worry about that. All I know is that however small it may seem to the world, God shared a victory with me today. It may not be fun or glorious or pretty, but I know that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Whoa...

2009-03-20T10:36:00.008-05:00

I walked in the bathroom early in the morning. Like most mornings, Sara asked from the shower, "How are you?" My answer? "Really good." She peeked from behind the shower curtain, mouth agape.

Why would this simply two-word sentence of, "Really good," cause such a reaction? Maybe because my typical answer would be:

"Meh..."
"Crappy."
"In pain."
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Don't ask questions when you don't truly want to know the answer."

I can't remember a previous time when I had given a positive answer...not even mornings following a decent night. Fact is that I hated life. To me, life was not a gift but a curse. It's a hell of a thing to wake up every morning upset with the fact that you woke up once again.

So, what was the difference this time? Well, the night before, we had an amazing time of prayer where an elder anointed me with oil. Stay with me here, because things got pretty intense. The elder had placed his hand on my forehead and was SCREAMING prayer of healing and deliverance from the torture of the evil one. It was unbelievable. It was a feeling of a huge weight being lifted from my chest. At one point, I opened my eyes and made eye contact with the host of the event. Now here's the really crazy part: when we locked eyes, he was suddenly filled with anxiety and revulsion and the room began to spin. He then ran off to start retching violently. (I felt bad because we had just had a great dinner.) But as he released what was inside of him, he began to instantly feel better. He had not been dealing with any sickness. In fact, St. Joe seems to have the constitution of an ox. His wife and kids were looking at him (and me...awkward...) in amazement because he NEVER vomited. His wife couldn't remember the last time he had been so sick to his stomach that he couldn't hold it. His kids didn't remember a time EVER where he had reacted that way.

Now, understand, I'm not a huge fan of Charismatic Churches or the Name It and Claim It Doctrine. I feel very much like it is abused and that these signs and wonders become about edifying the self instead of God. Even worse, I feel like most relegate God to the position of the Genie in the Lamp. Just rub the lamp and out pops God to grant your wish, and then when you are done, God jumps back in the lamp where He belongs so He's not getting in the way of what the person is trying to accomplish. That being said, the Bible is very clear that when our heart is right, and when we abide (dwell, live, receive nourishment) in the Lord that he will answer our prayers including Healing, Prophetic Words, Speaking in Tongues, and all that jazz. It's real. It's uncomfortable, but God doesn't care if we are comfortable: He wants us to be comforted. Huge difference. Do I know all there is to know about God. NO WAY! No one could because God is Infinite. All I know is that sitting there on that couch, I was healed. Since then, I've been able to be much more productive and leave my apartment and live life without these shackles to which I had grown so accustomed. Coincidentally (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) my doctor had just the day before changed two of my meds to about half of what I was taking before. Instead, he had given me something far more potent to take in between the new doses as needed. I've only taken 1 of those pills since I was healed.

OK, let's hit the rewind button on this blog for about a year. If you look there, you'll see a post called "Healed." This all sounds pretty familiar if you read that post. So why is this time different? Well the answer is that it is up to me if it will be different. I need to exercise regularly. I have to read my Bible daily. I have to live a life of prayer without ceasing. These are my choices. God has wiped the slate clean for me (again) and now I have a responsibility to make sure that what goes on that slate from now on is pure and Godly. I need to be abiding in the Lord. If I don't make these decisions and stick with them, well let's just say I'm pretty nervous as to what my blog will say a year from now.

More Than A Feeling

2009-03-05T09:07:00.001-06:00

"It will be interesting to see how God shows up."

The last couple weeks have been rough. Events have included:

Being sent to the ER for chest pains. (Just another panic attack)
Finding out that going back to work reset the clock for FMLA and Temp Disability meaning I couldn't reapply even though I wasn't ready to return to the workforce.
Quitting my job to avoid being fired.
Telling my brother that Sara and I won't be able to afford to go to his wedding.
Being told that I may get temporary disability through the state, but that it's VERY tough and requires a lawyer.
Being told that I may want to start looking into careers that allow me to work at home because of my agoraphobia.
Calling a crisis hotline in the middle of the night to help me calm down.
Freaking Sara out by talking in my sleep and saying that I want to kill myself.

Plus some other things I'd prefer to not mention.

Hopelessness is a word that comes to mind. The emotions that I experienced through this time hit me like a whirlwind and made it so that I couldn't think straight. Where was God in all of this?

The answer is that He was there with me the entire time. One of my tasks was to send out notification to people who had received cell phone service at an unbelievable rate that they were losing this benefit. My panic told me that they were going to be so disappointed and mad at me. The reality is that ALL of them were more concerned about what Sara and I were going through and asked if they could pray for us. Friends out of the blue would pop up on Facebook to say they were thinking of us and praying for us. A dear friend prayed Psalm 40 over me through instant messaging. More dear friends came and held hands with us and prayed for healing and restoration. God was nearly shouting to get my attention that He still loves me and that nothing can ever change that. He was saying that He hadn't forgotten me; far from it. He was saying that my hope was in Him. The comfort that came through the Presence of God was overwhelming.

Again, I was reminded to not get my identity from status or fluffy feelings. I was again reminded that while the emotions of despair I was feeling were valid, they were just emotions. My actions needed to come from making good decisions based upon the way things were and not the way things felt. I need to be guided with the firm knowledge that God is unchanging, all-powerful, and all-loving. I need to be constantly filling myself with His Word and His Fellowship of Believers. Without it, I was just some hopeless unemployed freak. But with God and because of God, I am a beautiful work that He is still refining, and I have Hope everlasting. Sure, the details of life were not so fun, but God is so much bigger than those details, and He has the power to restore, redeem, and reestablish me upon a firm foundation.

I Give Up The Following:

2009-02-25T09:51:00.001-06:00

Today is the first day of Lent. I agonized over what my sacrifice would be when it suddenly hit me. And I knew it was from God because I didn't want to do it. But this year for Lent, I give up my rights:

The Right to Be Appreciated
The Right to Be Believed
The Right to Be Comfortable
The Right to Be Convenienced
The Right to Be Depressed
The Right to Be Followed
The Right to Be Funny
The Right to Be Happy
The Right to Be Important
The Right to Be in Authority
The Right to Be in the Spotlight
The Right to Be Lazy
The Right to Be Liked
The Right to Be Loved
The Right to Be Praised
The Right to Be Remembered
The Right to Be Safe
The Right to Be Treated Fairly
The Right to Be Understood
The Right to Be Uninvolved
The Right to Be Used
The Right to Be Wealthy
The Right to Companionship
The Right to Control My Destiny
The Right to Entertain Evil
The Right to Feel Important
The Right to Feel Needed
The Right to Get Drunk
The Right to Hate
The Right to Hold a Grudge
The Right to Take Credit

I Have an Audience of One

Next on the Agenda

2009-02-19T12:56:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I quit my job. Why? Well not because I didn't like it, that's for sure. Sprint and my supervisors and managers have been nothing short of amazing. Basically my level of performance was not up to what was required of my position. So I quit in hopes of getting better so that I could go back at a later date. I have to admit that I'm scared, ashamed, frustrated, and all those icky things. But I'm also hopeful. It will be interesting to see how God shows up in this one.

THPBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBT!!!

2009-02-12T14:21:00.000-06:00

Fine

2009-02-11T13:13:00.003-06:00

"Hey, how are you?" "How have things been lately?" "How's it going?"

"Fine." That's the answer that's expected. But what do you do when it's nothing but a bold-faced lie?

I see that my last post was right around the time I took another nosedive. I had just come home from the euphoria of seeing friends and family in Colorado. Waiting for me was having to move within two weeks. Moving is one of my major stressors, so combine that with the sudden feeling of homesickness and the gray, dark skies and....

I find it interesting that as I write this blog, the times I have the greatest writer's block are when things suck after I've posted how great life is. I don't want to whine, but I don't want to lie, either. Same thing when someone asks me how life is treating me. I don't want to lie, but I don't want to unload, either. So my typical answer is, "Fine." If the person asking me is within my close, trusted Christian circle of friends, I may go into how I'm going through a refining time with the Lord. It's not a lie, but because it's Spiritual, it still sounds ok. But the fact is that when someone asks me how it's going, I want to say, "Like shit."

One of the several major psychological disorders I'm overcoming is Histrionics. Being the center of attention. Getting love and praise and "the goodies" that come from being liked. It's probably the one major issue in my life that I've gained the most ground since actually facing my situation, and because of this, one of the biggest sources of strife with Sara and my closest friends. I'm getting to the point where I don't care what people think. Now imagine being Sara, and suddenly your husband is "getting a major attitude." I also don't want to be the center of attention, so I just stay silent. Now imagine being my parents or brother, and suddenly you hear nothing from me. So yeah, a lot of tension in a new territory. Finally, there's this whole "blog" deal. I've always wanted to journal, and I've so far had the best success with a blog. It feels more like a dialog, I guess. But that's just the thing: why post to a blog unless you want someone to read what you're writing?

So, I'm about to tell you how I'm really doing. For those of you who don't want to hear anything past, "Fine," stop reading now. For the rest of you, you've been warned.

I feel like shit. Sorry for the "S" word, but sometimes it just seems to be the most appropriate word. My anxiety levels have gone through the roof, keeping me from being able to work, interact, and in large part to even leave my apartment. I've been diagnosed with a severely extreme or extremely severe (can't remember which one) case of agoraphobia. Even leaving the apartment to run down to the car for something or run to the laundry room or go to the home of a close friend WHO LIVES IN THE SAME APARTMENT COMPLEX feels like trying to climb an 8-foot wall. I've been on temporary disability since October. I tried to return to work back in late November but failed epically. Last week I tried going back to work again. Sprint has been amazing through the whole process (for instance, giving me a whole week of just getting used to the atmosphere...wow) but I had to call in once more today because of anxiety. I had an appointment with my doctor yesterday, and he increased my anxiety meds...again. I have an appointment in a couple hours with my therapist and am absolutely terrified of sharing my failure with him. Sometimes (like today) I need to not be alone because I'm so out of my mind that I might do something to myself. Now toss in the whole "feeling bad for feeling bad" deal. A Christian shouldn't be dealing with this stuff. I've been healed. I must not have enough faith, and I must not have been dilligent enough to fill myself with God since the healing because it feels like I'm worse than ever. And all of this doesn't even touch on the fact that we are still in a financial crisis, still don't have any kids, and I'm still horribly out of shape.

Man, I feel like I just puked all over my monitor. In fact, I feel tears welling up as I'm typing this, so it looks like a deadline has just been put in place.

All this being said, here are the positives: I have not been abandoned or forsaken by the Lord; I AM gaining ground in dealing with issues implanted from when I was very young and part of the Jehovah's Witnesses; I am still gainfully employed; I have a wife, family, and friends who love me dearly; and I honestly want to be healed. Wow. Guess I am fine after all.

Little Victories

2008-09-08T09:56:00.005-05:00

How does a person emerging from depression convey the magnitude of life events? Especially little victories. Someone who has never been incapacitated with anxiety and agoraphobia could never understand how big it is for a person like me to go to church, move to a new home, or go out to a movie. How can you explain to someone just how much effort you had to put into something as simple as no longer being in trouble for attendance at work? A normal person would walk into my new home and see boxes everywhere. What they wouldn't see is the fact that the couch and bed are assembled, the dining room furniture is arranged, the entertainment center and desk are put together, and the place is cluttered but livable. How do you explain to someone just how exhausted you feel after a full day of "taking every thought captive"?

Here's the answer: you can't. Might as well explain the difference between a major or minor chord to a deaf person or the color, blue, to a blind person. There is no way to make someone understand. But the thing I need to understand is that this is actually a gift from God. Why do I place people in my audience? Why should I care if someone thinks I'm just a flake. This is merely another way for God to break me of my People Pleasing tendencies.

The way to destruction is not a freefall drop as much as it is a little slip here and there that grows into bigger slips, stumbles, trips, and then the final plummet. In the same way, the road to redemption comes not from a single leap. It comes from taking a small step forward. It comes from deciding to NOT stand up on the Slip 'n' Slide. It comes from not quitting because you have stumbled. The slips are noticed by God, but so are the little victories. And when we stumble forward even though we don't have an audience cheering us on; when we push through the times we don't feel like pushing; when we make the decision to still seek righteousness, recovery & redemption even though we are experiencing the emotions of depression, doubt & despair...I believe these are the times when God celebrates with us the most. Sure, the world may be silent or even condemning, but God is rejoicing and that is enough.

A Few of My Favorite Fears

2008-09-05T14:10:00.001-05:00

Spiders; People; Snakes; Getting Dirty; Corrective Action; Moose; Crowded Stores Full of Breakable Baubles; Bugs; Slime; Rejection; Failure; Zombies; Activities Happening Behind Me; The IRS; Drunks; Parties; The Numbers 13 & 666; Being Brought to Tears in Public; Being Abandoned; My Gramma...But She's Dead, So She Doesn't Scare Me As Much Any More; Clowns; Running Out of Gas On a Lonely Stretch of Highway; Being Lost As the Light of the Day is Diminishing Behind the Horizon; Pretty Girls; The Screaming During Lights Out in the Psych Ward; Getting Hit in the Back of the Head; Driving in the High Country in Arizona When a Snowstorm Hits; Crucifixes (We Nailed Jesus to the Cross Once...Please Don't Put Him Back Up There); Shopping; Asking for Directions; Trigonometry; Being Buried Alive; Being Jammed in a Crowd So Tightly That I Can't Move; Making Conversation on the Phone; Leaving Voice Mail Messages; Being Misunderstood; Going to Prison for a Crime I Didn't Commit; Foreign Cultures; Hot Topic; Realizing My Speech in Front of an Audience Is a Dud & Trying to Think of How the Heck to End It & Get Off the Stage; Falling; Burning. But Number One on the List Has to Be Phone Calls in the Middle of the Night

Brave New World

2008-04-27T14:09:00.000-05:00

It's time to begin. It's time to get off the fence. On March 14th, 1970, I was born; on October 19th, 1993, I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior; on April 16th, 2007, I had a nervous breakdown; and on March 2nd, 2008, I was healed. After 25 (38) years of depression and demonic oppression, I was delivered from my disorder. At that point, I finally understood in my heart and believed in my heart that it's not about me. It's about God. God is faithful. God is eternal and unchanging. His promises are for me just as much as they are for everyone else including all the people I have ministered to over the years. He loves me. I love Him. NOTHING else matters. EVERYTHING I do and I am stems from my relationship with God. I have been grafted into the vine. I have life eternal. Nothing can separate me from the Love of God.

The expectations and emotions and affirmations of people...all people whether they be righteous or unrighteous...are irrelevant. With this past year, expectations of me are low or nonexistent. I will expect this as a blessing as that means there are now so many less obstacles and chains to overcome....

The other huge expectation from the world is of fitting in. I give up my right to fit in and be normal. I give up my right to be understood. I give up my right to be liked. And linked so heavily into this is my expectation of myself. I give up my right to be a homeowner. I give up my right for financial security. I give up my right to have the neatest, latest toys. I give up my right to be a father. And that is so hard. Lord, You know the desire of my heart, and You see the ache of not being a parent and not providing that joy to Sara. I hand this over to You. You are my God, and You are enough.

I AM Healed

2008-04-27T14:04:00.000-05:00

Yep...that's right...I'm healed. "Healed of what?" you might ask. Healed of my approval addiction. Healed of my people pleasing. Healed of my histrionics disorder.

My journey with the Lord has been an interesting one. I grew up with the Jehovah's Witnesses. At age 11, I moved from Minnesota to Arizona and began my descent into depression. I left the Jehovah's Witnesses my senior year of high school. At 22, I married my best friend, and we moved to Colorado. I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior when I was 23. I went for a solo backpacking trip when I was 28 with the full intention of taking my life up in the mountains. Instead, I had a mountaintop encounter with God who told me that I DID in fact take my life up into the mountains and that it no longer belonged to me. It belonged to Him. I entered youth ministry when I was 29 and had some unbelievable experiences. God used me, imperfect as I was to share with others that He loves and forgives them. I saw lives transformed. Then when I was 33, He told me to go. Specifically He said to me:

Then the Lord said to Jacob, "Return to the land of your fathers and to your relatives, and I will be with you." - Genesis 31:3

Yeah, that's pretty specific, and it's the main reason I now go by Jake instead of Jamie. Sara and I moved, and we lived happily ever after. Except we didn't. Nope. In fact, I sank deeper and deeper into depression until finally, on April 16th, 2007, I had a nervous breakdown.

For any of you romanticizing the notion of having a nervous breakdown, let me pop your bubbles of illusion. It is painful...not just to you but to all the ones you love. It leaves a wake of destruction and broken relationships. However, you get an interesting perspective of the world from your knees. This time of brokenness taught me that as much as I had talked about God's love and forgiveness, I never truly believed it applied to me. This would cause me to seek approval and affirmation from the people around me. It wore them out, and it never came close to filling the hole inside of me. That's because the job of God is a big one, and the only one equipped to fill that role is...well...God.

So through a lot of therapy, a lot of prayer, and a healthy dose of drugs, I finally came to the point where I made the decision that, yes, I did in fact want to be healed leading to more therapy and more prayer. And this time instead of trying the "fake it 'til you feel it" method, I started to proclaim the truth until I believed it. The truth that God is enough. The truth that I am a child of Christ. The truth that God is faithful to complete the good work that He began in me. The truth that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Funny how for so many years I had preached these very things to so many people and yet never accepted in my heart that it was true for me.

Finally, on March 2nd, 2008, I prayed with a couple of overseers for deliverance from my demons of depression and histrionics, and anxiety, and just all that junk. The prayer session lasted a long time, and at the end I felt as though I had just finished a 12 hour day of moving lumber. I was also healed. Since then, I have had no panic attacks, no more obsessive thoughts of suicide, and no more obsessive fantasies of my funeral.

Now, just because I was healed didn't mean that the battle was over. It was more like having a cast removed and beginning the process of physical therapy. I have over 25 years of bad habits and adaptations to overcome. I need to learn new ways of thinking and reacting to the world around me. I need to be comfortable with the idea that God is my source of strength, not anyone else.

A man was there who had been ill for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he had already been a long time in that condition, He said to him, "Do you wish to get well?" - John 5:5,6

On March 2nd, 2008, at the age of 38, my answer was, "Yes," and His answer was, "So be it."

A Vision From The LORD

2007-08-09T13:59:00.000-05:00

I am broken, shattered

Thousands of pieces that could never be put together again

A pile of rubble

Beyond hope of ever being whole

The Infinite LORD takes me piece by piece

And creates a MOSAIC

A picture

An image that brings glory to the LORD

An image built from a thousand, thousand pieces

An image to give HOPE, PEACE, & JOY

To a world that needs it so desperately

God has only begun to shape me

And is far from finished with me

We've only begun to form the picture

To tell the story that will ultimately result in His glory

My Name Is James Sebastian Kern, II

2006-06-27T14:02:00.000-05:00

I've been getting a lot of questions lately. Questions like:

"Who's Jake?" (from old friends and family)
"Why do some people call you 'Jamie'?" (from new friends)
"Why did you move from Vail, CO to La Crosse, WI of all places?" (pretty much from everyone....)

Well, the short answer is that my name is actually James Sebastian Kern, II. Sounds regal, doesn't it? Jamie was my nickname that my parents gave me and what everyone knew me as from the time I was born until I moved back to the Midwest. And I detested that nickname. Growing up, there was a TV show character called the Bionic Woman, and her name was Jamie Summers. And all throughout grade school I was called "Jamie Summers with the bionic boobs." In high school, I tried the name, 'James,' but as I said before, it's a regal name, and I'm not so much. Also, 'Jim' didn't work because that's my dad's name. As I got older, 'Jamie' became less of a 'girl's name' and more of a 'little kid's name.' Now my nickname is Jake (my choice). James and Jacob are the same name. One's Hebrew, and one's Greek. Also, if you take the first 2 letters from the name, 'James,' and the first 2 letters from the name, 'Kern,' you get JAKE. Pretty clever, huh? And as far as why we moved from Vail to the Midwest, God told us to.

That is the short answer. If you are satisfied with that answer, read no more. If not, then...

I had been Area Director for Young Life in Vail for about two years. And I was pretty much the only Committee member. The two guys that had pushed to get YL started in Vail were going to be on Committee with me, one handling working with leaders and training, and the other handling finances. Well, to make a long story short, one moved to Florida, and the other went through some issues that made him not able to be a part of Committee anymore. So, we did the best we could, but we could never get the money or resources needed to keep the ball rolling. Crazy thing is that during all this time, the ministry aspect of YL was booming like crazy. So many kids were getting affected in such a positive way. But with every aspect of Vail YL on my shoulders, I was getting burned out, to say the least. Don't get me wrong, I loved what I was doing, and I loved YL so much, but I just kept failing miserably at the business aspect of YL. And it was taking its toll. And to just quit... well, man, I just didn't want to be THAT guy.

However, God had other plans. In January of 2003, He revealed to me that it was time to move on. He was going to have me stay through that school year and the summer that followed to get the leaders there ready and start to put the Committee together, but after that, Sara and I needed to get out of Dodge. And it was tough, but it's so much better to follow God even (especially) when it doesn't make sense than to try and figure things out on your own. So we decided to check out the Midwest. Sara and I were both originally from there, although we had both left when we were pretty young. We made a list of what we wanted in a town: friendly people, lots of water, lots of trees, change of seasons, texture to the land (didn't have to be mountains, but we didn't want FLAT), and not too big or not too small. Also, I had always wanted to go back to college and finish my degree, so we looked at a bunch of college towns in the Midwest and decided to check out Ames, IA.

It was a neat little town, but it just didn't feel right. So hard to explain, but it threw us for a loop. We started to check out other towns in the area with varying degrees of success, and we began to wonder where God wanted us. Should we still try to go to the Midwest? Should we head off to AZ? Ft. Collins? Grand Junction? Also, in all this time, we were trying to remember to introduce me as "Jake," but it just wasn't working out. We both kept forgetting :) and I had pretty much decided to write it off as a dumb idea. The final Sunday we were in Iowa, we went to a GREAT church in Ames hoping for some sort of revelation from the Lord because, to be honest, we were stumped as to what to do next. The church used an exegesical style of teaching, and that day's subject was Genesis 29-31. As the pastor was getting ready to start teaching, he made a joke that this section only contained one part where the Lord spoke, so he felt a bit short-changed that Sunday. :) Well, here's the verse that the Lord spoke:

Genesis 31:3 Then the Lord said to Jacob, "Go back to the land of your fathers and to your relatives, and I well be with you."

I about fell out of my chair when he said that. Ask and ye shall receive, right? Well, here was a clear word from the Lord to go to the land of our fathers and relatives... in other words, the Midwest. And the whole "Jacob" thing? That was the moment that I decided to stick with changing my name to Jake as a way to remember how the Lord spoke to me on that day.

So, where in the Midwest do we go, right? After our time in Iowa, we went up to Minnesota for a wedding, and we decided to take the scenic route, also known as The Great River Road. Wow! is it beautiful! We drove through a town called Winona (in Minnesota) and fell in love with it. Friendly people? Check. Lots of water and trees? Check. (It's right on the Mississippi River and has a huge lake in the middle of the town.) Change of seasons? Check. Texture to the land? Check. (We're surrounded by 500 and 600 foot tall bluffs.) And to cap it all off, it has THREE colleges. So September 1st, 2003, off we went to our new home.

The 1st couple years had been an interesting time. Sara and I had a lot of trouble finding a good church out here. It turns out that one of the things that we love about the Midwest (how nice people are) is a huge obstacle when finding a church. Everyone is so pleasant all of the time, and they are unwilling to ever get past that. It's like the pleasantness becomes this big shell to hide behind, and no one seems to have any true, deep relationships. That and the fact that the Midwestern churches tend to fall into the categories of:

1) Stodgy traditionalism;
2) Purpose Driven (I love the Purpose Driven idea and agree so much with most of what Rick Warren says, but when it comes time to implement, the churches out here seem to lose something in the translation, and everything suddenly becomes about being "nice" and "pleasant." Jesus was compassionate, caring, loving, sacrificing, humble, tender, and so many more great adjectives, but I don't remember him being "nice" or "pleasant.") And then, the final category is;
3) Lutheran *shudders*

I have to admit that the move had been tougher than I anticipated. No jobs for a while, and with no jobs, school had to be postponed a bit. But God has still provided for us. It's been amazing. Also, as we were leaving CO, the Lord revealed that I needed to take at least a year off of ministry (maybe more), so the big thing that God had been revealing to me was that He doesn't need me. Through that has been a lot of healing and recharging the batteries, but was also a very tough lesson, let me tell you. Because of that, He's really had to break me. I know that being broken is good and so important for our walk with Christ, but it can hurt. And then the devil comes in and takes that message of, "you're not needed," and twists it into, "you're not wanted." But here's the really cool thing: God has been very active revealing this as a lie.

So, 18 months after the move, the nest egg is gone, and we're still unemployed. My dad approached me about moving to AZ to become an assistant Superintendent for the company where he was working. Now, you have to understand that I hate the state of Arizona. (Sorry to all you Zoners out there, but it's the honest truth.) To me, the simple equation is Arizona = Egypt. And I didn't want to go back to Egypt. But I was tempted. And right during that time, my devotional time focused on Isaiah warning a group of Israelites to not move back to Egypt. They went anyways, and it didn't turn out too well for them. Sara and I were part of a great little fellowship at the time, and they prayed with us through this. And through prayer, I nervously picked up the phone and declined my dad's offer. Leap of faith.

God's answer was that the very next day, I went to a job fair in La Crosse and was hired by a company named CenturyTel. (For you Edwards, CO folks, yes this is the same CenturyTel that always screws up your phone service.) This eventually led us to move to La Crosse, WI, just 30 minutes down the river, same landscape, more people, 3 colleges, and an amazing church that wasn't political and was focused on Jesus and meeting the needs of the community around us.

God has been true to his promise. He has been here with us. We are no longer on the outside looking in. Instead, we are members of a fellowship of Christians that have loved us and given to us in times of need when we've had absolutely NOTHING to give back. We have once again been involved in ministry. We have friends. We have family. We have hope. We have finally found a place where we 'belong' and that we can call 'home.'

So, long story, huh? Sorry 'bout that. I gave you an out at the beginning; don't blame me if you didn't listen to me. For those of you that know me as 'Jamie' (and the few of you that know me as 'James') if you have problem with trying to call me something else, no worries. It's all good. But, yes, I now go by the name 'Jake." It helps me remember the journey that God has led me through. It helps me remember that He keeps His promises, and He is faithful even when we are not. And I just like the sound of it. Besides, I don't know of any 'Jake Summers with the bionic boobs"....