Fine

"Hey, how are you?" "How have things been lately?" "How's it going?"

"Fine." That's the answer that's expected. But what do you do when it's nothing but a bold-faced lie?

I see that my last post was right around the time I took another nosedive. I had just come home from the euphoria of seeing friends and family in Colorado. Waiting for me was having to move within two weeks. Moving is one of my major stressors, so combine that with the sudden feeling of homesickness and the gray, dark skies and....

I find it interesting that as I write this blog, the times I have the greatest writer's block are when things suck after I've posted how great life is. I don't want to whine, but I don't want to lie, either. Same thing when someone asks me how life is treating me. I don't want to lie, but I don't want to unload, either. So my typical answer is, "Fine." If the person asking me is within my close, trusted Christian circle of friends, I may go into how I'm going through a refining time with the Lord. It's not a lie, but because it's Spiritual, it still sounds ok. But the fact is that when someone asks me how it's going, I want to say, "Like shit."

One of the several major psychological disorders I'm overcoming is Histrionics. Being the center of attention. Getting love and praise and "the goodies" that come from being liked. It's probably the one major issue in my life that I've gained the most ground since actually facing my situation, and because of this, one of the biggest sources of strife with Sara and my closest friends. I'm getting to the point where I don't care what people think. Now imagine being Sara, and suddenly your husband is "getting a major attitude." I also don't want to be the center of attention, so I just stay silent. Now imagine being my parents or brother, and suddenly you hear nothing from me. So yeah, a lot of tension in a new territory. Finally, there's this whole "blog" deal. I've always wanted to journal, and I've so far had the best success with a blog. It feels more like a dialog, I guess. But that's just the thing: why post to a blog unless you want someone to read what you're writing?

So, I'm about to tell you how I'm really doing. For those of you who don't want to hear anything past, "Fine," stop reading now. For the rest of you, you've been warned.

I feel like shit. Sorry for the "S" word, but sometimes it just seems to be the most appropriate word. My anxiety levels have gone through the roof, keeping me from being able to work, interact, and in large part to even leave my apartment. I've been diagnosed with a severely extreme or extremely severe (can't remember which one) case of agoraphobia. Even leaving the apartment to run down to the car for something or run to the laundry room or go to the home of a close friend WHO LIVES IN THE SAME APARTMENT COMPLEX feels like trying to climb an 8-foot wall. I've been on temporary disability since October. I tried to return to work back in late November but failed epically. Last week I tried going back to work again. Sprint has been amazing through the whole process (for instance, giving me a whole week of just getting used to the atmosphere...wow) but I had to call in once more today because of anxiety. I had an appointment with my doctor yesterday, and he increased my anxiety meds...again. I have an appointment in a couple hours with my therapist and am absolutely terrified of sharing my failure with him. Sometimes (like today) I need to not be alone because I'm so out of my mind that I might do something to myself. Now toss in the whole "feeling bad for feeling bad" deal. A Christian shouldn't be dealing with this stuff. I've been healed. I must not have enough faith, and I must not have been dilligent enough to fill myself with God since the healing because it feels like I'm worse than ever. And all of this doesn't even touch on the fact that we are still in a financial crisis, still don't have any kids, and I'm still horribly out of shape.

Man, I feel like I just puked all over my monitor. In fact, I feel tears welling up as I'm typing this, so it looks like a deadline has just been put in place.

All this being said, here are the positives: I have not been abandoned or forsaken by the Lord; I AM gaining ground in dealing with issues implanted from when I was very young and part of the Jehovah's Witnesses; I am still gainfully employed; I have a wife, family, and friends who love me dearly; and I honestly want to be healed. Wow. Guess I am fine after all.