The last couple weeks have been rough. Events have included:
- Being sent to the ER for chest pains. (Just another panic attack)
- Finding out that going back to work reset the clock for FMLA and Temp Disability meaning I couldn't reapply even though I wasn't ready to return to the workforce.
- Quitting my job to avoid being fired.
- Telling my brother that Sara and I won't be able to afford to go to his wedding.
- Being told that I may get temporary disability through the state, but that it's VERY tough and requires a lawyer.
- Being told that I may want to start looking into careers that allow me to work at home because of my agoraphobia.
- Calling a crisis hotline in the middle of the night to help me calm down.
- Freaking Sara out by talking in my sleep and saying that I want to kill myself.
Plus some other things I'd prefer to not mention.
Hopelessness is a word that comes to mind. The emotions that I experienced through this time hit me like a whirlwind and made it so that I couldn't think straight. Where was God in all of this?
The answer is that He was there with me the entire time. One of my tasks was to send out notification to people who had received cell phone service at an unbelievable rate that they were losing this benefit. My panic told me that they were going to be so disappointed and mad at me. The reality is that ALL of them were more concerned about what Sara and I were going through and asked if they could pray for us. Friends out of the blue would pop up on Facebook to say they were thinking of us and praying for us. A dear friend prayed Psalm 40 over me through instant messaging. More dear friends came and held hands with us and prayed for healing and restoration. God was nearly shouting to get my attention that He still loves me and that nothing can ever change that. He was saying that He hadn't forgotten me; far from it. He was saying that my hope was in Him. The comfort that came through the Presence of God was overwhelming.
Again, I was reminded to not get my identity from status or fluffy feelings. I was again reminded that while the emotions of despair I was feeling were valid, they were just emotions. My actions needed to come from making good decisions based upon the way things were and not the way things felt. I need to be guided with the firm knowledge that God is unchanging, all-powerful, and all-loving. I need to be constantly filling myself with His Word and His Fellowship of Believers. Without it, I was just some hopeless unemployed freak. But with God and because of God, I am a beautiful work that He is still refining, and I have Hope everlasting. Sure, the details of life were not so fun, but God is so much bigger than those details, and He has the power to restore, redeem, and reestablish me upon a firm foundation.